Random FMLs

Merry Xmas from the 15th Precinct!

By Anonymous - 25/12/2021 23:01

Today, some guy tried to rob me and I accidentally made him stab himself with his own knife. Now he gets a comfy ride to hospital, while I get to sit across from this grumpy desk sergeant, waiting for a lawyer to explain that I'm actually the victim in this scenario. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 96

That thing you do

By Here we go - 14/02/2026 12:00

Today, after sex, my wife of three months said, "You know, sex isn't as good now that we're married… Maybe we should take a break." I said we should spice things up. She said, firmly, "No, let's stop" and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 280

You deserved it 58

By Anonymous - 28/09/2014 16:42 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 147

You deserved it 37 016

By thepokemonkid - 27/02/2013 05:03 - United States - Avon

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 334

You deserved it 4 159

Smiley smile

By Eh.. - 05/12/2018 04:00 - Israel

Today, I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk, probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number, and the way she said, "Nah" still haunts me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 491

You deserved it 1 638

Take the hints

By Unwanted - 03/11/2015 19:10 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 935

You deserved it 4 693

SIR!

By twatstick - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 150

You deserved it 3 435

Hi there little guy

By NotAGoodDay - 10/08/2016 18:57 - United Kingdom - Sudbury

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 670

You deserved it 1 139

By anonymous - 18/09/2009 17:48 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling too good, and took my temperature. I had a fever, which I told my boyfriend who was laughing hysterically when I told him. I asked him what was so funny, turns out he's been using the thermometer to take our dog's temperature sometimes. Rectally, of course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 589

You deserved it 5 586

By Anonymous - 30/01/2012 06:36 - Australia

Today, I picked up my driver's licence and my keys off the floor at the same time, using only my toes. This was the highlight of my day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 857

You deserved it 6 214

By Raw95 - 15/03/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was eating at Steak N' Shake. I noticed that the cute waitress was checking me out. When I was done with my meal she wrote her number on the ticket. So, as I was walking out the door, I turned around to wave at her, and walked into a metal bar next to the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 907

You deserved it 24 607

Growing old

By Anonymous - 08/10/2021 19:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I'm officially stumped as to whether my mom has early-onset dementia, or if she just has plain bad memory. I've considered having her get tested, but I shudder to think that the person who brought me into this world won't recognize me in about two years if I'm right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 125

By Livingthedream - 12/08/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 973

You deserved it 475

Messed up

By Anonymous - 26/07/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend, the father of my child, has been cheating on me. We’ve only been back together for about five months. I stopped talking to someone I really liked to try to make it work with him for our kid. I learned a few days ago that that guy moved on. I regret not taking my chance. Now I might not ever get one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 278

You deserved it 569

By Anonymous - 23/02/2016 03:14 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, my boss decided that, because I got dragged into a vacation that I didn't even want to go on, she was going to take a promotion back before she even gave it to me. I don't know what's worse, losing the promotion or going on that crappy vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 384

You deserved it 1 837

Growing old sucks

By Anonymous - 03/11/2022 05:00 - United States

Today, I'm celebrating one year of retirement. Also, almost one year of recovering from a broken leg, quickly followed by a broken hip. I may never walk correctly again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 114

By acw2110 - 20/02/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 747

You deserved it 12 063

By rochellamaya - 02/09/2011 12:47 - Canada

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 350

You deserved it 4 286

By sleepy - 15/10/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry exam. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my exam was in the morning. I woke up at 10, feeling very confident. My exam was at 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 965

You deserved it 29 338

By What does this button do? - 17/02/2017 10:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my new apprentice took, "What does this button do?" to a new level when he pushed an emergency, "Stop all" button, causing my firm to miss multiple deadlines, causing massive losses In profits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 890

You deserved it 650

Ghosted

By LunaRayne13 - 10/09/2020 08:02

Today, I realized it's been over a month since my last therapy session. My therapist canceled on me and never got back in touch to reschedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 227

Too late

By Anonymous - 16/07/2023 03:00

Today, my husband told me he'd changed his mind and no longer wants children. We already have two kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 149

By fuckmyliiiiiiife - 01/05/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 437

You deserved it 25 978

By Anonymous - 14/08/2019 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 612

You deserved it 146

By paperbagofdoom - 29/05/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 703

You deserved it 5 165

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 782

You deserved it 3 174

By noodlesandmilk - 13/12/2015 14:10 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my step-brother went grocery shopping alone for the first time. He came home with Ramen and 14 bottles of chocolate milk, which will expire by the 20th. My step-dad is insisting we eat it so it doesn't go to waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 088

You deserved it 1 854

Freudian slip

By Pinsky - 27/08/2023 22:00

Today, my girlfriend met an old family friend who I used to hate. Their interaction was courteous, but included the jab that he'd lost a bunch of weight after High School, while I'd packed it on. That night during sex, she called me by his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 654

You deserved it 128

The truth will out

By John - 12/12/2021 11:01

Today, my fiancée decided to leave me because she wasn't happy. Little did I know, she's been fucking her coworker for the past month or so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 529

You deserved it 139

By Enni - 27/08/2016 08:47

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 713

You deserved it 1 543

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 770

You deserved it 736

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 802

You deserved it 10 418

Today, I hit rock bottom. I waited too long to go to the grocery store and am out of almost everything. There's no salt left. What can I even cook to be edible without salt? FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 435

Today, after training for six months in martial arts, I was ready to stand up against my bully. When he approached me. I found out the hard way he’s been doing martial arts since he was six. I didn’t know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 461

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 485

You deserved it 8 747

Today, me and three other colleagues were fired for playing the World Cup on our PCs. We weren’t even watching the games, we just let it play on a separate tab while we did our due diligence at work. Turns out, there’s a snitch in our office, none other than the girl who said, “That sport shit is lame.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 980